Can You Relate?

So as some of my cutting habits have crawled back into my life, my mother decided that it would be a good idea to send me to yet another therapist. I say it like that because I have gone through five different therapists, and the longest I have stayed with one was for two months.

I don't know why, but I honestly have just never liked therapy. I feel like it's so much time wasted. I would tell myself I could be doing other things, but honestly, other things are usually eating and sleeping.


                                                

When it's just me and the therapist in the room, I have no choice but to start talking. Otherwise, they stare at you like at hawk waiting to pounce on you. So I started off with things I liked, writing and reading. (I felt like such a boring person) Then I told her about my forever damaged leg, a story for another time. Eventually though I told her why I was actually there.

I started with 6th grade, then seventh, and ended where I am today. She asked my about the hospital. The mental hospital. Psychiatric hospital. I have been there 5 times, and I stared getting annoyed because I couldn't remember too much about my 2-4th stays. I used to dwell on my past.

Everyday I would force myself to think about the hospital, because even though it isn't supposed to be a happy place, I promise you, ask anyone who has been to one, you meet the best people you will ever know in those places. At least I did. I didn't want to forget about them. I can still see blurred pictured of there faces.

I got upset because I thought I forgot about them, but I really haven't, they have always been with me. That's when I realized that I had been holding all of my emotions in. All of my feelings. That's why talking about it was so hard, all of my words had been set free. I think I'm going to have to do that more often. Can any one relate?    

Update!

I'm not sad, I guess i'm just angry. Maybe i'm a little bit sad on the side. Nothing too new though. I'm in class writing this right now, afraid that people are looking over my shoulder, but honestly, what do I have to loose?

I'm sure you're probably lost right now, and I cant blame you, I haven't explained myself....School is one of my main stresses. On 9/11 two of my best friends turned 14 years old. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRYN AND JOSIE!) Anyways, just like almost all high schools with a football team, there are varsity games on Fridays. That's where they decided they wanted to go to to celebrate.

I boy I will not name kinda put me in a depressing mood while we were there. I'm gonna be completely honest with you. He had a picture of me that I absolutely hated. So some anxiety bugs crawled into my chest and hands and basically tried to eat away at my body. It sort of worked, but I told myself I had gotten to far to relapse. So, I excused my self from the obnoxious crowd, to breath. Said boy followed me, and something inside of me broke into pieces. I started yelling and screaming, trying to release the pain through my shaking lips.

I'm not going into graphics, but in the picture I was in a thin, deep cut shirt, with a bra under. So it wasn't exactly a nude, but my cleavage was there. I didn't send it to him, we were face timing, and I stupidly trusted that he wouldn't take a screen shot. What liking someone does to you.... I started calling myself a slut, pulling at my hair. I wanted nothing to do with him, I still don't really. Being around him makes the bugs come back, in a bad way.

The night ended finally, and I think the bugs ate away at my soul, because my body hurt, but at the same time I couldn't feel anything. I don't exactly know why it bothered me so much, but it did. Maybe its because it made me feel like trash, maybe its because I thought my reputation would be ruined. I had to keep telling myself that  i'm not dead, so you have to keep living,  I guess that's what i'm going to do.

Book Review Time!

The name of this book is You are not Here if you cannot see the title. Samantha Schultz is the author. This book is written in the format of a poem. By this I mean there are only a few words per page. 

Annaleah is the main character of this book. Her boyfriend Brian suddenly dies one day and her whole world is turned upside down. Brian never really confirmed their relationship, but she thought it was because they slept together. 

The book beautifully describes her pain that she feels. She starts to separate herself from her friends and family, and starts only talking to Brian. Brian's grave. Just so I don't give too much away, I just wanted to share this book with you because it is a great example of overcoming depression. :) 

Contact me and tell my if you read it!     

Self harm

This is a very serious post. If you don't know, self harm is when someone brings pain on themselves for many different reasons. Its hard to explain why people would ever want to bring pain on them selves, and I promise you, no matter how hard they will try to explain, it wont make sense.

I have been dealing with self harm for about a year. I have a hard time trying to explain why I do it/ did it. I will do my best. Depression has been a very common thing in my world. I started cutting myself because I felt so lonely in the inside. I wanted to feel something, anything really. That's what a lot of people say, and its only the truth.

For those of you that don't deal with self harm, let me try to explain it to you in a better way. Imagine sitting at the dentists. If you have ever had surgery done, or had a tooth pulled, you know that they have to numb your mouth so you don't feel the pain. That's how I felt. Everywhere.

Self harm also becomes an addiction. Like drugs, and alcohol. People count the days they have gone without it. It gives a rush of feelings, a sense that your heart is still beating. I'm not going to put any pictures up, because those can be triggering, and I would never want to trigger anyone.

My first subject on this Topic is going to be: Attention Seekers.

What I mean by that is people posting pictures of their scars on social media. You guys need to understand that, yes they do have a problem, but no, they shouldn't be posting about it. For one, its very triggering to many people. Two, why would you ever want people to know about this kind of problem.

If any on you are doing this, i do believe you are going through a hard problem, but please don't share it with the world, get some help. Life without self harm is so much easier, and care free. No more long sleeves, no more lies. You will be able to breath freely!

The moral of this post is, get help, don't hare your life online. If you want to talk, you can email me @ rosieposie0926@gmail.com   

Hi!

This is a blog about  my past, and how I dealt with it. About two years ago, I kinda had what most people like to call a mental breakdown. I like to call it realizing that the world isn't perfect. To cut the story short, I got myself put into a psychiatric hospital for what I called at the time 'anger'. I was just depressed, but didn't know how to describe my emotions. I knew what sad was but I really didn't know what depression was. 

I will be talking a lot about how I over came my depression, anxiety, and self harm. Now, I still deal with all of those things, but not nearly as bad. I will be able to relate to you, and all of your questions. 

The hospital became like a second home for me. It didn't feel like home though. My name is Rosie, and I am free from the chains that used to hold me down. Stay for a while.